Moses didn’t know what to do any more with those idiots. So he decides to go out for a wander. The pressure was too much. He knew that, sooner or later, they will just crash his skull with a stone. He needed a plan. He needed a way to survive (both him and them!), without ruining it all. Without having to look the fool he knew he was.
To cool off, he decides to go up there. On that peak no one will follow him. They were all pretty much exhausted: no sane mind would follow him in a hike at this stage. Good, that would do!
Also, on top of that no stupid idiot would yell at him how stupid was to leave the stupid Egyptians. Yes, slavery was bad, and building palaces, pyramids and the sort was getting boring, but they got something to eat there. A shelter. A mean to survive.
When he is about to reach the top of the mountain, from far, he sees something “sparkly”. A big metal box, looking like made of gold, but was too far to distinguish it’s details. So, he decided to look into it.
Unbelievable! It was a… phonebooth. No keypad on it: just one button. On the button and engraved on it: “Mr God”.
He picks the phone, pushes the button and waits…
Meanwhile, in Heaven.
(Phone still ringing)
God> Oh crap! Another idiot calling from Sinai. I don’t have time for this shit today!
Secretary> God, do you want me to take that?
God> Yes, please. Tell him to fuck off.
Secretary (whispering)> Such a tool…
(Secretary answers the phone)
Moses> Hi. Is this God?
Secretary> Actually, I’m his secretary. Farrokh.
Secretary> Yes, Farrokh. Farrokh Bulsara.
Moses> You are a man! I would assumed God’s secretary to be a hot girl
Secretary> You haven’t seen me, my dear!
Secretary> So, how can I help?
Moses> May I speak with Mr God, please.
Secretary> God is quite busy at the moment. He is working on his latest play: “Landing in America”.
Moses> Mmm… OK. Whatever. Can I speak with him?
Secretary> He is actually very busy. He hates being interrupted when he is testing new religious scenarios.
Moses> It will only take a minute!
Secretary> Mmm… wait please.
(Secretary puts his hand on the phone and starts whispering to God)
Secretary> He insists. He sounds quite like a rude guy. Do you want me to put him through?
God> FUCK!!! I’m never gonna finish this shit if I get interrupted all the time!
God> OK. Let the fucker through. But fucking cut the line if I’m not done in 2 minutes. Those South Americans can’t be kept waiting. They already started building all sort of crazy shit to substitute me and I got to crash that pretty soon…
(God coughs and deepens his voice)
God> Hello child!
Moses> Hello God. How have you been?
God> Moses! It’s been a while. Did you like the water trick?
Moses> Impressive. For a second I thought you won’t be paying attention and I’d have looked like a tool, standing there with my harms in the air, and nothing actually happening.
God> Glad to be helpful.
(God picking his nose while talking)
God> OK. It was nice to speak with you. I shall…
Moses> Wait. I called to ask for your help. Those people down there, they are driving me crazy!
Moses> One of them just started melting gold and he wants to make a cow! Or a Lamb, I don’t know.
God> Yes, I have seen it - I won’t worry too much. You will probably be all dead pretty soon…
Moses> But they want to worship it!!!
God> Stupid dick-heads! That’s why I’m giving up on y’all!
God> Yeah. I started to pick up some of that American slang you know…
Moses> No please. I need your help! Don’t you have an advice or a message I could bring to them?
God> Shit. I’m tired. It has been a long day. Can’t you call again tomorrow?
Moses> Come on! You are usually so patronising? For once that I’m actually asking for it?
God> Mmmm… OK. Have you got a pen?
Moses> No. Left it in the other trousers. I got a couple of stone slabs though…
God> That would do!
Moses> OK. Go ahead!
God> First Commandment: NEVER CALL GOD IN VANE! He is a cranky old man and he can’t really hear you anyway. He is busy having fun torturing minions all the time and no interest in helping them. So, leave him alone. Unless you are a hot gay version of David Jude Heyworth Law.
Moses> Oh. OK. That’s it?
God> Of course not, fuck face. Here is number Two.
(Click. Phone disconnects.)
Moses> God? GOD? Holy shit, this guy! He is impossible.
(Moses thinks a bit and then says…)
Moses> Well, once again, I suppose I’ll have to just make stuff up.
God> Moses? MOSES? Whatever…
Secretary> I cut the line. As you asked.
God> Oh! It was YOU then. Well done. You are my saviour, as usual.
Secretary> My pleasure Brian. Please go back to your plays now: those plagues are not going to make themselves.